Heavy Try

by passion fanfare

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released July 20, 2009

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passion fanfare San Francisco, California

always give up
always surrender

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Track Name: High School Montage
and I could talk to girls again
I wouldn't have to worry
there's nothing ventured, nothing dared
and we could braid our hair

if I did not have this excuse
well then what would I do
I couldn't cry like I do now
it wouldn't seem healthy

and everything would come to me
it would come so easy
it wouldn't matter anymore
who I might have been before

I do not think too much of men
but maybe no one does and
everyone would see us and smile
maybe it takes a while

and God goes easier on them
because they're reproducing
if I could renounce this bullshit
it would fall in my lap

we had a snow day today and I'm going home
Track Name: Laocoon
I didn't realize the Greek were assholes
until I read the Aeneid in your hallway

and it's really no surprise
as soon as I start thinking God's on my side
He naturally assumes that I can handle myself without Him

I didn't realize that you were scared too
until I tried to get through to you

you wouldn't even let me in the room
you knew if you did I would have swooned

and it's really no big loss
you're not that smart you're not the boss
of me, you're always on the lookout for someone stronger

and it's really no surprise
as soon as I start thinking God's on my side
He naturally assumes that I can handle myself without Him

and it's really no surprise
as soon as I find someone who's on my side
He naturally assumes that I can handle the world without her
Track Name: Cartoons for Nick
I want a girl who'll watch cartoons with me
but with each month my hope in her recedes

and when I lose it feels like being home
I guess I'll go to the movies alone
I'll watch a man much taller than I'll be
make the world safe for you but not me

hey Nick this summer I'm gonna work at the drive in
and during Roadrunner she'll appear on the horizon
Track Name: Castle Raincoat
are you really here
are you always dying
oh rise up in me
is that why I'm crying

and if Laura's castle always makes me sad
if I fight it in me am I still as bad

when I was a kid
I thought I saw you staring at the sun
then I got older
and that's when I knew I had no one

and it's true that Zoe's haircut sort of made me cry
but I might have never seen you heavy in the sky

now I'm at home with my machines
I'm really small
and I thought that I could go upstairs
put my name on the wall

but I just have a pencil that is nothing new
oh I'm so fucking fragile lift me up in you
and it's true that Noah's raincoat always makes me ache
oh do you come and find me when I start to shake
Track Name: Running Out of Time
You make my eyes go soft, it's no surprise
Spoonfeeding me history like that's all I want
Brimming with cacophonies, you're on the window
Tell me about the books you read till your eyes were gone

My stupid dreams multiply to infinity
But if it was a girl, it wouldn't be me.

Because I make it look so hard, I'm huddled in the dark
You just want someone glittery until you break your vow
And I'd just make you hopeless, where are you now?

You're so pretty, no one treats you like you're pretty
But you're so pretty and I could treat you right
Okay but I'm not right
You could fix me, you could fix me up just right
It's all about safe harbor after storm
All my people fought in a fucking war
But you could be my saint

My untranslated Virgil multiplies to infinity
But if it was a girl, it wouldn't be me.

Because I can't make an escape, for me it's always a storm
And Dido is the one I want until I break my vow
And once I leave she's hopeless, where is she now?

You're so pretty, no one treats you like you're pretty
But you're so pretty and I could treat you right
You could fix me, you could fix me up just right
It's all about safe harbor after storm
All my people fought in a fucking war
But you could be my saint

My stupid dreams multiply to infinity
But if it was a girl, it wouldn't be me.

I like the mountains, I like the rolling hills, I like the fountains, I like the daffodils, and I like the fireside, but I fucking love you, and it is breaking my entire body down.
Track Name: Heavy Love
Barbara Gittings died and I don't care, I don't care
She's just someone in books who slides across my fields of mind
Barbara Gittings died and I don't care, I don't care
But I don't want to be, I don't want to be alive

I'm this rich white kid, I always have been, always will
Nothing ever shocks me, nothing chills me to the bone
Nothing ever hurt me, nothing can and nothing will
But I don't want to die, I don't want to die alone

Barbara Gittings died and I don't care, I don't care
She's just someone in books who slides across my fields of mind
Barbara Gittings died and I don't care, I don't care
But I don't want to be, I don't want to be alive

I don't want to die
Track Name: Harry Potter Scar
When I was a kid, I used to cut myself to give myself a Harry Potter scar
My teachers, they found out in the middle of science class and they brought me to the ER
And they put me with the girls who did it for a boy, but it's not the same thing

And when I was 10 I went to The Phantom Menace, I barely watched Anakin
Not because I was snobby but because my phantom menace was always crawling around under my skin
And they put me in with kids who couldn't concentrate, but it's not the same thing

And oh, after all this time I still think you don't understand
'Cause from the day I first drew breath I have been fucking up your plans
And now I'm almost 25 I'd like to hold you in my hands and crush your bones

When I was a kid I would always cut myself to give myself a Harry Potter scar
My teachers, they found out in the middle of English class and they brought me to the ER
And they put me with the girls who did it for a boy but it's not the same thing

If you did it for a wizard it is not the same thing as if you did it for a human boy
That's something I would never do and that's what I realized while I was watching the pod race
And when I got home I was bleeding from my fingers, I was bleeding from the whites of my eyes
I knew I could never go back to that movie but I still went back every day
Track Name: Access the Memories
I hate your mom, I hate your dad
for always making you so worn out and sad
since the day you were born you've been a stick of glue
and they could use you however they wanted to

I hate your school, I hate your friends
they're always interrupting before you get to the end
since the day you were born you have always been gone
it doesn't surprise me to find out how long you've known

access the memories
wire yourself into my machine
I want it all

and they always told you when you were young
without looking at you what you'd become
since the day you were born I have loved you so much
I keep it to myself because you hate to be touched but

access the memories
wire yourself into my machine
I want it all

please kiss someone, it doesn't have to be me
someone who holds your hands behind your back

please touch someone, 'cause I would take it back
out of your mouth, I'd keep it all my life

please touch someone, no matter what you do
make sure he shuts off all the floodlights inside you

access the memories
wire yourself into my machine
I want it all
Track Name: I Wasn't Conscientious
You should be your first priority 'cause you've been sick
You should be your first priority but I'm not quick-
witted enough for that, it's my history, do you miss me?
I let you down

Thomas Malory is losing it, he's in for rape
He is writing up our golden years and it's all fake
Henry Darger gave me a history, but it missed me
I let him down

There will be nothing there
There will be nothing there
There will be nothing there
And I will read a book, or write a book, or go to bed.

And if this is what you want in life, I have no doubt
You just sit down with your bleeding heart, it all comes out
You should burn a hole in history, you won't miss me
'Cause I let you down
Track Name: You're Such a Good Writer
you don't love anyone
you're a pure soul of hate
and I can't stand it
I figured you out this late

you're such a good writer
it makes me hate you even more
I don't really hate anyone
I wish I'd known that before

you don't love anyone
you like lying in wait
you're sitting on your hands
waiting for her to make a mistake

he's such a bad writer
you can tell by the way he wears his hair
I don't really see anyone
but I'd know you anywhere

you don't love anyone
you like making me scared
it's fun from the other side
watching someone else run out of air

I'm such a bad writer
and you knew when I came in the room
because you don't love anyone
and I always do

I'll always lose
Track Name: My Dear Friend
I was walking home
with my dear friend
then we saw them
then they saw us

I always thought my friend was scared
that I had to look after her
and then we saw them
then they saw my friend

they stared us down for a minute
then they jumped cackling onto our shoulders
breaking our backs and forgetting our futures
my friend was singing as I slipped away

it wasn't as much as I wanted to see
but I loved it enough that I'm not sorry
I'm in love, I'm in love

then they cut up our bodies
piled up our digits and all of our entrails
tore out the organs that always were swelling
and making life hell in our school days

back then I always burned in my lungs and my teeth
but it wasn't something that I could defeat
because I'm in love, I'm in love

and I just felt like a horror
always a movie and never a Shaker
I'd never go dancing, my lungs all were showing
because I was dead from my fist to my face

and I'm not as smart as I wanted to be
but I love you enough that I'm not sorry
I'm in love, I'm in love

I'm in love

they kept us in the basement
studied our movements and sewed up our eyelids
and I know, and I know I'm a worthless piece of shit
and I feel pretty blessed about all of it

death is a factory and life is a nightmare
but love is the color that brightens your jawbone
and I'm in love, I'm in love

sweetness was shaking in all of her hallways
and I wanted her hands till I couldn't see straight
sweetness is shaking in all of the hallways
and I'll watch Your hands for the rest of time
Track Name: Oh Man, Oh Yeah
this is the heart that I've got
it's not the right kind of heart but in all likelihood I'll manage okay

these are the words that I've got
and they're the right kind of words so I know I'll manage okay

when you first start going to church
you never realize how much it's gonna hurt
when God opens you up and puts His dollars in your heart

you're a cash register for the Holy Spirit, baby

the first time that I talked to you
I never realized how much I'd want to
open you wide up and put a pillow in your chest

to keep your heart from breaking when you face off against darkness

oh, baby, oh man, oh yeah
oh, yeah, well
Track Name: John, I'm a Figment
you had a dog, it went insane
it slaughtered everyone in the third grade
she was the best friend you ever had
and when you were asleep she took on your mom and dad

and when you woke up in the basement
you knew they had all survived
and then they drove her to the doctor
they made you step out of the room for her to die

but it wasn't your fault
you were only trying to carry on
her noble work, it was my fault
but I am just a figment of your imagination, John

John had a dog and it was sick
his mother took it to the doctor quick
it wet the floor, they gave it meds
the dog immediately went out of its head

and when John kissed her, it went inside him
all the demons she carried around
now he's a monster, he's on TV at night
he won't rest till we're all in the ground

but it isn't his fault
he was only trying to carry on
her noble work, it was my fault
but I am just a figment of your imagination, John

remember the day you dropped acid
and then picked me up in the snow
well, it wasn't really me, it was the fiend in human shape
impersonating someone you know

since then when you've seen Amanda
you've seen someone who would want you dead
you killed the real Amanda
when a dog fell out of your head

but it wasn't your fault
you were only trying to carry on
her noble work, it was my fault
but I am just a figment of your imagination, John

There you are!
Track Name: On His White Carpet
it wasn't the Niyatee, it was just a Niyatee
I'm always nodding off in neuroscience
and one day when I'm waking and find myself not shaking
well, then I'll call her up at once

and I wish Clayton would reject me
he needs to reject someone
besides I'm always blubbering on his white carpet
he doesn't need to keep me around

and we are always waiting so I quit masturbating
besides I wore it out by now
and Clayton is projecting, I find myself suspecting
that I'd sin more if I knew how

I haven't felt good all morning
frequently I wish I was gone
it is like I'm androgen insensitive
if I listen to a priest I'll be alone

so please come by tomorrow 'cause I am always crying
and you could make it be okay
make me not such an asshole and make me good at writing
I know that's a bad thing to say

and as soon as it gets easy
that's right when I lose it all
besides I'm always blubbering on your nice planet
and I don't know why you love me at all
Track Name: Felix/Infelix
although I know you're really smart
you have to know you're not my heart
although I know you're really thin
you have to know I'm not a sinner

although I know you're always here
that doesn't mean I have to hear
and I know that I have been gone
but you drove me to it
there's nothing to it

you're not my heart
you're not my home

I know my dad is stuck with you
'cause there are things that he can't do
but I grew up with both of you
so I know how to be displaced
I'm going into space and you'll never find me

you're not my heart
you're not my home
you drove me to it
there's nothing to it
and you'll never find me again
Track Name: Trial and Error
Your heavy heart

Can I come inside?

Your heavy heart

Can I come inside?

I know I'm a trial and error
Don't see how it could get much harder
My neurotheology fucks me sideways

So can I come inside?

My father says I changed and went away
Am I getting stronger, am I moving forward
Oh, moving forward, you hurt anyway

So can I go inside?

My heavy heart
Your heavy heart
Is my heavy heart

I can go inside
Will you take me in
I can go inside

I know I'm a trial and error
Don't see how it could get much harder
My father says I changed and went away
Am I getting better, faster, stronger, every day